|Ballerina by Roohi|
Even I was under the impression while quitting my 7 year old professional life that I am resigning because of Pihu, my 2.5 yrs old daughter, till I realized what a heavy burden of my own decision, I was putting on the tiny shoulders of the litte one! It dawned upon me that if I go on thinking like this than that day is not far when I would start expecting undue returns from her in lieu of some false sacrifices that I would believe I have made for her. And I could imagine myself reprimanding her for not following my orders as she was 'supposed to' since I was staying at home 'because of her'. Each day I'ld think hard whether I took a right decision making it difficult for myself and my loved ones to live by it.
I gave it a thought, why am I really quitting? After all, nobody specifically asked me to quit. No, not my daughter, she was so young to even understand anything, not even my husband - he is an educated, wise guy, nobody actually asked me. Even if somebody had asked me, would I have given in to their desires without having my own inclinations? Not possible for I belong to this generation, an educated, mature, confident woman. And if I say that someone else forced me to make an important decision in my life, than all my degrees and academic years are a waste! The truth was it was me who was finding it difficult to manage my IT job. But did that happen after marriage or because of marriage? No. Woman these days work after getting hitched even if they face personal issues. Then did it happen after becoming a mother or because of becoming a mother? No. After all, so many of my friends and acquaintances are mothers and still manage successfully between their jobs and handling kids. And happily maintaining some hobbies too. Life's ride is never smooth for anybody, everybody jumps on its bumps every now and then. Both SAHM and Working moms have their own struggles and they cope up beautifully. So why was I searching for some external reason for my decision, when the real cause of my unhappiness was my own state of mind. Wasn't I quitting because from the beginning my artistic nature was finding it hard to be in a corporate world? Wasn't it that it was me who under the garb of motherhood was trying to find my own turf? And yes, I finally concluded that I was not doing a favor on anyone esp. on my daughter but on myself for my peace of mind. Blaming someone else for your own decision is nothing but welcoming troubles for your own self! I had to close this chapter instead of lingering on whys and buts, then only I could make another fresh beginning.
With this attitude, I began my career break. Now when someone say whether I am working or at home for Pihu, I just tell that I have quit to pursue my interests and hobbies. When someone applauds me that you have done good by leaving your job for Pihu, I stop them and say please don't drag the poor child. It was me getting bored and missing her in office and now I have this wonderful chance to explore myself all thanks to her. I had tried quitting once before Pihu was born but couldn't out of the mental block that my job defines me. But my little girl has given me courage to break those false opinions. I am now confident that it is me who defines whatever role I take. Be it a mother, a software engineer, a writer or a painter everything is defined by me, my will. I have the potential to be anything I want only if I work in the right direction in right manner. Difficulties come, they come irrespective of any path we chose. We cannot simply wash them away for they are the highlights on the beautiful painting we create on the canvas of our life. We need to cross the hurdles of the consequences of our decisions with an open mind and keep running to touch that ribbon for winner. Then only we can discover the true meaning of our existence. Initially, I missed the monthly salary or the glitter of IT world but now I value more the meager rewards I get from my writings. And no the rewards are not monetary that I am talking about. You see when I publish something on my blog, a creative piece, or just some musing many people including those who had lost contact with me tend to ping me, message me to congratulate me on my writings. I feel glad, happy and truly speaking humbled that this medium has enabled me to be in touch with people. Not only those who were once in my life and whom time and distance kept apart but also people whom I never knew. Yes, I am still meeting and making friends. And the common thread with those people is not kids, not jobs but common interests- they are mostly writers, photographers, travelers, and all kind of creative people.
Kids grow up, from jobs you retire, it is but your hobbies and more specifically your thoughts, your persona that stays with you in the long run of life. I am glad to be making certain connections owing to my thoughts. And nothing like this would have happened if I had continued feeling victim of Motherhood. So if you ask me "Are you still working or staying at home because of your daughter", I would say "I have quit to follow my dreams all courtesy my daughter" :)
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