badge

Friday, May 16, 2014

Chronicles of an IT Momma - Loving the guilt

"Of what use is life, if it doesn't love.
Rose without fragrance is some petals sewn together"

I never dreamed to be a mother. Never. I had other desires- to be a wife, good daughter-in-law, career woman- but never a mother. It was a huge responsibility for me and the whole process of giving birth and then taking care of each and every specific needs of a person so fragile- gosh, made me nervous. On top of that my will to preserve my own individuality gave me several suspicions if I would ever do justice to my child. But since there was no escape, following the social obligations some 19 months ago, I became a mother to Pihu. 

I haven't changed much. And I do suffer from occasional guilt-moments sometimes that am I a good mother? I give her massage every day, enjoy her bath, oil her hair but this is not enough given the fact that I leave her with her grandparents for some hours every day. All the self-doubts start pouring from all directions. She is so dependent right now- Am I hurting her little innocent heart when I leave for work? Is she missing me right now as I am sitting in front of an electronic screen? Do I really love her given my past reluctance to be a mother? Will she love me back? The mind starts feeling guilty about this guilt. How much you condition yourself, you can never be free of that remorse and have to constantly work around it as you learn it is for good.

And then incidents like today happen that brushes all this aside.
I come home early due to some network issues at workplace and she's taking her afternoon nap. I kiss her and go to my room and work. She wakes up and I let the door remain open. She is happily playing outside with her grandparents when she notices me inside the room. She gives a loud cry of joy finding me at this time of the day and come rushing inside. I get overwhelm with a gush of love and hold her. And I know I am trying my best and that I can never love anyone anymore and that she will always be my fragrance. As for the guilt-moments, well, glad I have them, since they make me strive to be a good mother! :)